Well at least I am of some use.

Lots has happened. I have a kid. A beautiful baby boy that is very lucky he looks like his mom more than he looks like me. I am getting ready to quit my job selling phones to start a job selling video games. Yay. My dad is "giving" me his house with the condition that I and everyone else that lives there fixes the place up. By that I mean re roofing, remodeling the kitchen, flooring, re-plastering the pool, etc... Big type projects to little type projects. But hey it beats paying rent and never owning something. I wish I could go there now and just pay the move out fee at our apartment, but I don't think my dad can leave the house till he finds somewhere else to go, and who knows when he will do that. Oh well, I'm sure that all of it will work out eventually.

I feel like crap. It is 4:30 and I am attempting to lull my child to sleep, by putting him next to a running vacuum cleaner. Granted it is working, but I don't know if I should be doing anything else. I wish there was more I could do for him. It hurts to hold him for more than a few moments. Even if I am sitting down, the position I have to be in hurts. Actually no matter what I seem to do my back hurts. Now granted its not like I am spending every moment in the worst pain of my life, but it does hurt. Almost like a cramped muscle that never loosens up. No after a full day of standing and bending and normal activity, the little man inside my spine decides to stab me repeatedly, so as to alert me to his presence.

I know you are there little man, now please leave me alone.

It has almost gotten to the point where two, yes TWO vicadin doesn't really do a whole lot for more that a few hours at most. I don't feel like I am useful as I once was. There are so many things I can't do. Well I do them anyways, but I probably shouldn't. Lifting more than 15-20 pounds is a strain. It wont stop me anyways, I am too stubborn. Every day though I am reminded that I am broken. A defective unit that shouldn't have passed inspection. I am gaining weight, my back is always so "happy", my head hurts far too often(though my new glasses have helped so far), and I am not getting any sleep. I know Dylan will get into a better sleep schedule eventually, but it is hard right now. Several times I have been late to work because i oversleep. I have to get up at some point in the night and he decides to keep me up, then I try to salvage my lost slumber and I fail, but I do manage to ignore my alarms so that I have to rush to work, just so I can make it before the mall opens.

I need a new spine. If anyone knows where I might find one, I would love to get it. I have no money to give you for it, but maybe I will one day. I wish I could go back to school. I just need to get a degree in math. Just a small dinky little thing and I can get my teaching certification, and I could actually do what I want to. But I can't. I have to make the money now. I have to provide for my family, and I am barely doing it with two jobs. I suck.

I am not mad at my life, I am mad at myself. I could have made much better choices about school, and I didn't. Now I am paying for it. No matter. If I had to do it all over, I wouldn't change it, because now I have the most important of my life goals. I have a family. Nothing in this world could make me happier than coming home to see my son dressed in a pink outfit, while my wife laughs about it. They are what keeps me going. My friends, and my family both extended and acquired are more important than any dream job, or amount of sleep, or amount of pain. I just wish I didn't feel like I was letting them all down. I'm sure no one thing that I am a failure, except me.

But I will keep trying. I tell you all this because I want you to know what I think about myself. I don't look for pity, nor am I fishing for compliments.

I love you all so much. I'm just disappointed in me.